CCChat April 2025.pdf - Flipbook - Page 15
Or treat the person as though they are so
totally devoid of autonomy that they can’t
have a say in their own lives and that
experts know best.
It’s about giving the person the knowledge that the
experts have. Teaching people about the dynamics
of domestic abuse, telling them these are
recognised ways that perpetrators operate, giving
them information on how they can get their selfconfidence back, how to challenge the negative
thinking that the perpetrator will instilled. Get the
voice of the perpetrator out of their head. If you’ve
been brainwashed to believe you’re a piece of shit
for years, you will see yourself as different but if
you can identify how they did that, you can
challenge it. You can turn it round. It doesn’t have
to be a life sentence, but just putting sticking
plasters on people or just patronising people and
telling them you know better.
Or cocooning.
I don’t like it when agencies control victims.
What I’m really interested in focusing on is
shame. I think that it is a big issue and one
that is more destructive than constructive.
Shame never comes from a good place and
there are no positive learning experiences
to be gleaned from being shamed. I think
that it’s a way of making people feel bad
from a position of moral superiority. It is a
tactic used by perpetrators and abusers,
but also used as a way to humiliate people
by those who aren’t abusers and, as a
society we need to understand that making
people feel inadequate is the root of
emotional abuse.
Looking at all of this with a trauma lens on, it’s
about making people safe. I don’t necessarily mean
physically safe, as in going to a refuge, it’s about
being psychologically safe. How do we let people
understand, it’s about trustworthiness and safety
and we can do so much by establishing that. I don’t
think years in counselling is needed and it’s
something every frontline worker can do, if we just
think about it in a different way.
Have you worked with female perpetrators?
We haven’t. There’s no reason to think Inspiring
Families wouldn’t work, if the perpetrator was
female, we just haven’t done it, because we aren’t
delivering in enough places, but the Toolkit can be
run with men or women.
How would a survivor get to hear of of your
programmes?
It depends if their area is running it. Lots of
Women’s Aid affiliated organisations and third
sector providers run it, but we don’t have a
database.
If you had one tip for professionals what
would that be?
Tip for professionals – you need to be professionally
curious about what is happening to people and for
people who have experienced abuse, that there
will be help somewhere, and if it doesn’t work out
the first time, just keep going with it.
Sue, what do you do to relax?
I watch rubbish telly. I like cinema, I love walking. I
just like being home with friends and family. It’s
difficult at the moment, with this lockdown. The
thing that really relaxes me is that I’m in a choir. I
love singing. I was one of those kids who was told I
was tone deaf.
Are you kidding? I was called a growler
and they needed people in the choir to
make up the numbers but I was told I
couldn’t sing, I could only mime.
Yes, that was me. My daughter is a soprano,
classically trained and has perfect pitch. A few
years ago my husband bought me singing lessons
and I thought was the worst present I’d ever
received in my life, except that it did make me go
and sing and now love it. I sing in a choir, I sang in
a band for my husband’s sixtieth. When my children
were growing up, I didn’t even sing them happy
birthday because I believed I made such a noise.
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